Total Peace of Mind: A Partner’s Guide to Changing Health Needs

As a couple, you’ve made a promise to your partner that you will walk together on the same path through life. Of course, though, it’s not unusual for a couple’s health needs to vary as they age. Often, one partner ultimately becomes the caregiver for the other, shifting the relationship dynamic permanently. 

As a result, partnered or married senior couples where one member is facing a health challenge and the other spouse serves as their caregiver are likely navigating a lot as they adjust to their new normal. It can be an emotional time for both of you, which is why communication is key — you need to know how to express your concerns and preferences to figure out what’s best for each of you.

This scenario of caring for a spouse or partner is incredibly common for couples in which one partner has a chronic illness. The following article provides helpful information for navigating the decision-making process when one spouse acts as a caregiver for the other and offers suggestions for securing suitable care while maintaining independence and staying together.

Recognizing the Need for Additional Assistance With Spousal Caregiving

First, how do you know it’s time to enlist additional or professional help caring for your partner? When navigating spousal caregiving, it’s best to start by acknowledging the anxieties that come with accepting the possibility that your care alone may not be adequate. Feelings such as anger, frustration, denial and guilt are all normal reactions to this reality, but leaving them to linger puts you at risk for feelings of resentment. Recognize these emotions, affirm them, then shift to a more constructive mindset by sharing and addressing your concerns with your partner. 

How do I know if my partner needs more help?

There are two sides to recognizing the need for additional care for your partner: One reflects the state of the person who needs care and the other concerns their spouse as the caregiver. 

As the caregiving partner, you must be able to identify the indicators that your partner requires more involved or more frequent care than you can currently provide. For example, keep an eye out for subtle changes in their physical health (e.g., mobility issues, falls, balance problems) or cognitive health (e.g., forgetfulness, confusion, mood swings, aggression). Also, consider feedback from friends or family members — if multiple people express concern to you about your partner’s well-being, you may want to dig deeper. 

Some other possible indicators that your partner’s health needs aren’t adequately being met can include:

• Poor or diminishing hygiene habits

• Excessive or sudden weight loss or gain

• Struggles with activities of daily living

• Drastic changes in mood

On the other hand, increased caregiver stress or excess responsibility can also signify the need for extra care resources. Studies show that more than 60% of caregivers experience symptoms of burnout, which tend to resemble those of depression, such as:

• Exhaustion

• Withdrawal from loved ones

• Loss of interest or hopelessness

• Appetite or weight changes

• Sleep pattern changes

• Difficulty concentrating

• Frequent illness

• Irritability

When caregivers begin to feel overwhelmed or defeated, not only does care quality decline, but tension is also introduced into the relationship. Caregiver wellness is equally important as the well-being of the partner they care for. So, as a caregiver, if you’re starting to feel anxious, distressed or overextended by your responsibilities, it may be time to consider alternative care options.

How To Support Your Partner Through Changing Health Needs

An unexpected, unfamiliar diagnosis or sudden change in health needs isn’t easy for anyone involved, but there are ways to make this transition a bit less rocky. For example:

• Listen to their physicians, and be involved in their care. Immerse yourself in your partner’s care network so you can properly advocate for them and ask their physicians the right questions.

• Educate yourself about your partner’s condition. It’s important to familiarize yourself with their treatment plan, research relevant advancements and set expectations, particularly for couples navigating a new diagnosis.

• Consult with a neutral third party for guidance. Navigating the decision-making process can be tricky, so bring in a professional (e.g., a geriatric care manager, advisor, counselor or therapist) to guide your spousal caregiving journey.

• Prepare your relationship for the unpredictable. Ideally, you should start senior care planning early — talk about care options and possibilities with your partner before a health event or illness occurs. This way, no one is caught off guard, and you can avoid making rash decisions in the moment.

Spousal Caregiving Advice

Every relationship is different, and proper management of care needs will vary from couple to couple, but the ultimate goal should be maintaining maximum independence and comfort on both sides. Here are a few tips if you’re caring for your spouse or partner:

Remember that you’re a team.

Find ways for both partners to contribute by reallocating labor tasks (even if the caregiver feels it may be faster to “do everything themselves”). For example, if your partner can’t go to the grocery store, perhaps they can be responsible for taking inventory and composing the grocery list.

Share time together.

Spend time with one another, even if it means just sitting together watching a movie or enjoying quiet time outdoors. Conversation isn’t necessary; simply going about your own tasks individually while in the presence of someone else — referred to as “body doubling” — can be a great way to be productive together.

Set boundaries, and don’t neglect self-care.

As a caregiver, your needs matter too. Spousal caregiving can quickly lead to burnout for those who forget to prioritize their well-being. Again, recognize the signs of burnout when they appear, and know what you need to be your best. Establish and enforce boundaries around your capabilities and limits, because you can’t pour from an empty cup.

“Often, the [caregiving] spouse puts his/her own needs on the back burner, so to speak, when a partner has a serious health concern,” Susan Lehmann, director of the geriatric psychiatry clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital, says. “Being able to talk about your fears, frustrations and worries with someone you trust will not only help you feel better, but you will be more able to help and support your partner."

Accept help from others — and thank them.

Take advantage of your care network by leaning on friends, family, neighbors and other loved ones for support when either of you needs it. Reach out for help with tasks such as cooking, transportation and socialization, and don’t be ashamed to seek professional help from physicians, therapists or counselors if necessary. And remember to be grateful! Always thank your loved ones for their time and assistance.

Don’t forget fun.

Be sure to acknowledge milestones, such as birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, even if you don’t plan a formal celebration or party. You can try making their favorite meal, baking a cake or attending a show to celebrate instead. This tends to require a bit of additional effort and planning, but brainstorming new ideas can be fun too!

“What brings two people together to become a couple is not generally tragedy or drudgery but having fun. For partners coping with illness, that still must be a major focus of their interactions,” an AARP article says.

Understanding Your Options as a Couple

Although spousal caregiving is a common circumstance to be in, the best option for any couple will naturally depend on their lifestyle, budget and personal preferences. For many, hiring an aide or other in-home assistance could be the solution, especially if care isn’t needed full time or even every day.

Alternatively, many Life Plan Communities offer accommodations for couples with varying health needs. If it’s no longer optimal for you to stay in your home, you may consider moving to a Life Plan Community that offers independent living as well as a continuum of care options so that you can remain together while still receiving the personalized attention you each need to thrive.

Again, don’t hesitate to recruit professional help to walk you through the process if you’re having trouble navigating the decision on your own.

Retirement Is Like a Road Trip — Better Together

Retirement, like a road trip, is more enjoyable when you have someone to take on the adventure with you. Whether you’re the driver or the passenger, you each have your role, and the destination is up to you.

The most crucial thing to remember is that you are part of a partnership, and you are in it to support each other as teammates. Even if one of you eventually requires some more care, you’re both in this together, so lean on each other. Your needs still matter equally, so be honest about how you’re feeling and prioritize open communication to minimize tension.

And lastly, set expectations with your partner by planning ahead where possible. No one can predict the future or how their health will progress, but you can plan for the possibilities by disclosing your doubts, preferences and desires for life as you age. No matter your individual circumstances, it’s ideal to look into senior planning sooner rather than later. Read through The Complete Guide to Senior Living Options to explore the various types of care offered at a Life Plan Community.